thanks for the lemonade

moved

2009-03-14T20:48:00.003+11:00

thanks for listening and making those lemons worthwhile :)

never gone

2009-02-01T13:49:00.002+11:00

I'm not holding on to You
But You're holding on to me...

His faithfulness astounds me from time to time. I guess ideally it should be every day... but i get distracted. Perhaps that's what makes it more surprising each time - to turn around and see that He's still there. Watching. And waiting.

vietnam 2009

2009-01-17T21:29:00.002+11:00

so i'm sitting on the bed in our hotel room in the heart of the Old Quarter. the sounds of the street - horns blaring and hawkers calling out to each other - fill the air with life and the vibrance which is hanoi. the street lamps have just flickered on as the sky starts to darken.

we've been here for almost a week, savouring the sights and sounds in the city and taking some time out for an overnight cruise in ha long bay. the food has been amazing so far. vietnamese food has much more to offer than spring rolls and pho. the use of fresh vegetables and a variety of herbs makes everything very refreshing and light... which also means that we're constantly snacking and looking for food throughout the day.

wish i had some photos to post, but my camera's SD card is too hi tech for zac's card-reader. so photos will have to wait till i return to the little red dot. for now... i'll try to write as often as i can and when i feel inspired (which may not be as frequent as i would like... but i will try). for visual updates check out zac's blog.

in about an hour we will be jumping on a bus and heading to Ninh Binh, the next stop on our one-month trip down the coast of Vietnam. motorcycle riding in the country awaits, and i'm an excited little girl.

stay tuned for more updates :)

jetsetter

2009-01-08T16:41:00.003+11:00

deb: "I'm leaving for vietnam next tues"

random friend: "AGAIN??"

deb: "I've never been to vietnam"

random friend: "oh... so where did you just come back from?"

deb: "nepal"

random friend: "right"... and last year?

deb: "cambodia"

random friend: "ahh..."

----

so it seems she's a bit hard to keep track of.

more kathmandu madness

2009-01-04T21:56:00.004+11:00

so i found it really hard to pick out a few photos to post because there were so many i liked. so i thought... what the hey... i'll just post some more. haha.

hope you enjoy them as much as i enjoyed taking them :)

balloons make me happy

crazy kids!

random street shot

wildflower

tea and sympathy

carpet weaving in the village square

mmm... lice...

will be back soon. i promise.

family adventure to kathmandu

2009-01-03T20:44:00.007+11:00

after a long hiatus, photos shall be posted to make up for every thousand words i have neglected to write.

the family took a 6 day post-christmas trip to nepal, which was an amazing experience. the food, the culture... the sights, sounds and tastes (apart from the ridiculous amount of dust) were a feast for the senses. definitely will be taking a trip back when i have the time and the money.

enjoy.

mandatory family photo

pretty tree

random kid we passed by in the jeep

drying clay bowls in the sun

acting all cool and stuff

little old ladies

fabric fabric everywhere

amazingly yummy food

musing

so... santa has elves...

2008-11-06T20:57:00.001+11:00

and photographers have photoshop gnomes...

D day and beyond

2008-11-06T10:27:00.002+11:00

so the thesis is due tomorrow. absolutely last final final deadline. and i still don't feel the panic. i think there's something seriously wrong with me. maybe it's overconfidence. or maybe it's just denial.

the last few days have been a whirlwind of libraries and books and words. i can't wait to get to the other side of this thesis. it's seriously wearing me down... and i just feel tired and old. need to get out and do some outdoorsy stuff. go hiking, rockclimbing... running... anything really. been so ridiculously restless the past two weeks. it's been frustrating.

at the same time... you guys make the days bearable and the nights enjoyable. i continue to thank God for you every day:

Because i knew you
i have been changed for good

eleven hours and four thousand words later...

2008-11-03T18:52:00.004+11:00

.. the bag of banana chips finally sits empty and forlorn on a pile of books and notes. bananacherrywhitechocolatemuffins are in the oven... and this very tired girl is contemplating her navel (or her growing tummy. navel just sounded better... :P).

the housemate just went out for a run... and i've got the apartment to myself for the first time in awhile. sun-setting... the aroma of baking things wafting through the kitchen... and the sounds of the world going past my window...

perfect. i live for moments like these.

munchies

2008-10-28T09:58:00.002+11:00

...way too many banana chips later...

she starts to think that snacking is evil. it's like she's possessed....

can't... stop... munching.... gahhhhhhh...

so it goes another lonely day...

2008-10-25T22:33:00.003+11:00

sluggish might be an overly positive word to describe the state of my brain at this point.

mush. i think that works better. green and sloshy... the consistency of a 7eleven slurpee.

struggling to think straight. i think i need a nightcap.. and lots of sleep. lots and lots. and maybe a new, less sloshy brain. and a puppy. and a powerdrill. and an offshore swiss bank account.

ok. shut up deborah. stop scaring the children...

hith strikes again

2008-10-20T12:20:00.002+11:00

at some point last week (or it might have been the week before.. and i can't for the life of me remember what day...) we decided that it would be a good idea to have steamboat for dinner. it turned out to be a warm day, hence the t-shirts and the tank tops.. but i guess you could say that just added to the atmosphere :)

heaps of beef, shabu shabu style... and the usual beef/pork/fish balls... tofu... a mountain of veg and mushrooms. needless to say.. we stuffed ourselves silly... temperamental steamboat pot notwithstanding.

thanks guys! ... for another great weekend. in the words of colbie caillat...

you make it easier
when life gets hard

hith!

bertrand russell is awesome

2008-10-20T11:18:00.005+11:00

i must say that i've never read a commentary on the history of philosophy that has been as entertaining as bertrand russell's. i picked up the book just last week at the secondhand bookstore next door... and for $15, it was a great buy.

Nature and Nature's laws hid by night
God said "Let Newton be," and all was light

i've been devouring it page by page since i picked it up a few days ago. decided to take a break from my thesis and work on my social theory essay and presentation.

----

so the parents are coming this weekend. which should be interesting. we might need to do a bit of spring cleaning. *coughcough* just a bit.

i am looking forward to seeing them though. it's been awhile. would love to catch up with my mom over coffee. miss her heaps and heaps. hopefully i'll be able to find the time. this weekend is so packed.

'ave an avo in the arvo

2008-10-15T21:11:00.003+11:00

blogging twice in one day. you've just gotta love what procrastination makes you do.

so i'm really sleepy now... and am so sick of my thesis that i could barf on it. the only problem with that is i'm not entirely sure if i want my laptop to smell of regurgitated mapo tofu (mmm... tofu...).

i can't believe the amount of avocado i have devoured today. i blame the bread. i bought a loaf of olive sourdough bread from vicmart yesterday. love. dense, slightly sour and chock full of sliced black olives. it's perfect just thinly sliced and lightly toasted with a little bit of good olive oil... a slathering of fresh avocado... a squeeze of lemon juice... and just lightly seasoned with sea salt and cracked pepper. perfection. great snack on a hot(ish) day. the only thing that's stopping me from making some now is that the only other avocado i have left in the larder isn't ripe yet.

bollocks.

it's a conspiracy i tell you!

get that thesis train a-chugging!

2008-10-15T13:13:00.002+11:00

so i'm not as screwed as i thought i was. thank God. went to have a chat with my supervisor today (for the first time this semester. yes i know... i've been a naughty girl).. and showed him what i've been working on and how i've been progressing. and he said that it's actually looking pretty good, which came as quite a shock to me. so now that my fears have been assuaged... the rubber needs to hit the road.

time to get busy girl. gogogo!

a gamut of emotions

2008-10-12T20:25:00.005+11:00

so i'm trying to write my thesis... i've got words coming out of my ears.. and none of it is helping to inspire me at the moment.

what a waste of words

it's proving a lot more challenging than i imagined, and i think i'm really starting to struggle. it helps to know that there are people who believe in me, especially since i'm not entirely sure if i even believe in myself at this point. it's frustrating because you want to produce a really good piece of work... but when the words don't flow...

they just... don't.

and then you end up writing stuff just because you have to fill the pages with ink and scribbles.

----

on another note, went to boxhill with mish and davis to visit mia's church today. must say that i really enjoyed myself. it's been awhile since i've been to a small family church, and it was definitely very refreshing. i must say i haven't heard the three-fold amen in awhile, so that was somewhat nostalgic. haha. all they had to do was throw in the doxology and the gloria patri and i would have been right at home.

the people were really friendly and amiable, and it was nice to talk to people who were genuinely interested in getting to know you. i think that's what's missing in a lot of the churches that i've been to.. and it's sad because that shouldn't be the case at all. being made to feel welcome in the house of God should be a given, and it really doesn't take that much to just say 'hi' to someone new. face it, new people are definitely more uncomfortable than you are... so how much effort can it take to get out of your little bubble just for a few minutes? but maybe i'm just being unreasonable.

am i?

----

well whatever it is... today was nice. day started great in the house of God, and continued with blue skies and the world just bursting with colour. :)

summer's coming, and i love how it just takes you by suprise. unike spring and autumn which slowly crawl in with budding and falling leaves ... summer bursts upon you like an excited child on the first day of the holidays. bring out the summer fruits and the summer dresses! we're ready and waiting :)

cruising

2008-10-05T11:32:00.006+11:00

so the last month has been hectic.. albeit in a good way. time just flew... finishing up my interviews and trying to get my thesis written. working heaps. read: 4 days next week. jet-setting and running off on spontaneous retreats. it's been fun. you guys are awesome :)

i really hope that i can get my act together and finish my school work on time though. discipline is an issue and i desperately need to pull up my socks this time.

there must be more than this... God please open these eyes that i might see.

so blessed... i can't contain it

2008-09-07T16:51:00.003+10:00

being sick isn't fun... but it's nice to know that i have friends who care :)

between all the nagging and the fussing... i can feel the love. really. i do. and i really appreciate it. and the PPK. love it guys. thanks so much!

working when sick isn't too fun either. but having a boss who spends half the day asking if you want more chamomile/peppermint tea does make the experience much more bearable.

thank You.

rain and rooftop entertainment

2008-09-02T13:15:00.005+10:00

so last weekend was quite eventful. between heaps of exercise running up and down the stairs of my apartment and throwing extension cords off the roof... i'd say i had a pretty enjoyable time.

praise God, for He controls the weather (among many other things :P)... and has a rather odd sense of humour, as the sky was overcast the whole day. it was almost as if He was teasing us... taunting us. but it all turned out amazing... if not a little cold.. for our little party on the rooftop.

the food was nothing short of AMAZING. kudos to lynsey and su mei who did such a great job. and of course... all that wouldn't have been possible without all the random people who came to help out with the food prep! brownies... little filled filo pastry cups... crackers and dips... my mouth is watering just thinking about the food. yum YUM! :)

many thanks to the boys who helped set up and clean up! you know who you are! special thanks to sof, mia, jo and davis who helped much in the planning stages and provided us with many important things... most of all, many laughs and great company.

note to self. less alcohol next time. little children don't play well with booze :P

and last but not least... to my dear beloved housemate Mish ... HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! i wish you all the best!! you're a great friend, sister and an awesome housemate. may God bless you with many more adventures in the years to come. thanks for everything that you are and all that you have done for me and taught me over the years. i can't say how blessed i am to have you as a sister in Christ.

lots and lots of love... your housemate, debs :)

sunshine and rollercoasters

2008-08-28T14:40:00.003+10:00

sunlight is streaming through the window. its warmth makes me smile, and i remember that i'm loved :)

it's been an emotional rollercoaster of a year. but then again, which year isn't a crazy ride? there are times i wish i could get off. but most times i'm glad i stayed on. you learn many things... see things from different angles and altitudes. you make new friends... and memories...

the ride's worth the risk. exhilarating. slow and scenic at times... fast and furious at others.

you and me? i wish i had an answer. sometimes you just need to see how things pan out. time brings healing... and answers.

let's stay on this rollercoaster and see where it takes us. in the meantime... enjoy the view :)

organized chaos

2008-08-25T17:45:00.003+10:00

my room is a mess at the moment. books all over the place. i kinda like it like that. it not only makes me feel productive... it also gives the room a 'lived in' feel. organized chaos. love it.

neat freaks stay away. you might get a panic attack ;P

feeling rather uninspired with regards to what to cook for dinner. shall go mull over it while i geek out over battlestar...

productivity, caffeine and pinings for the snow..

2008-08-24T09:13:00.004+10:00

i love working at a cafe. the smell of coffee... fresh muffins just out of the oven (YUM... especially the raspberrywhitechocolateones.. mmmmm.....)... the adrenaline rush during lunch hour... chatting with random people... the joy that comes with feeding people... haha... and of course my bosses (mario and maria). they're awesome. absolutely love working with them :D plus i just got a pay raise. so hooray for me! ;)

i'm going to miss the cafe culture in melbourne. all the little lanes with their quaint little cafes and restaurants. so much more character (and heaps better unadulterated coffee) than starbucks, coffee bean... gloria jeans... you know... the usual stuff we get back home. but i'm glad that some little places have opened up that have great coffee for a decent price. one of them is just opposite my place in sg - peaberry and pretzel. love their coffee. nice flavour, good texturing. and they have a huge new shiny coffee machine. it has little fairy lights! although i don't think that really adds to the flavour of the coffee... it makes me smile. i like shiny things :)

i've also been incredibly productive this week (applause please!). i'm very proud of myself. haha. drove up to boxhill to study at mia's a couple of times. no internet, and no other distractions. not even food! it was great.i forgot how peaceful it is in the suburbs, and how much easier it is to concentrate. the power of the burbs.

i wanna go back to the snow. 80cm cover this week! arrggghhhh!!!

of memories and roadtrips

2008-08-20T15:05:00.002+10:00

so once again.... it's been awhile... and much has happened. and i'm going to try blogging again (after being bugged by multiple people... you know who you are!!).

i've gained some. and lost much since i last wrote. while looking through old posts and walking down memory lane... i can't help but wish that i hadn't done a lot of things.. and wished that i had done some. but regrets don't take you very far, and all you can do is look to the future and see where that takes you.

before this turns into one of those 'feelsorryformyself' kinda posts... i have to say that i had a GREAT TIME on the mountains recently. great snow and great company, and i reallytruly enjoyed myself :D looking forward to more craziness as the semester goes on!

little joys in life. watching snowfall and the sun set over the mountains. drinking hot coffee after coming in from the cold. good conversations with oldfriends, and singing on roadtrips. makes every day a great day. praise God :)

cheer up emo kid

2008-01-05T22:09:00.000+11:00

life is too short to not... go for long walks at night... to not enjoy the sensation of raindrops dripping down your face and off your nose.

life is too short to not eat.

life is too short to not treasure the time spent with loved ones... and to just be a kid sometimes.

life is too short to not laugh so hard your stomach hurts and to not do crazy things that you'll remember for years down the road..

in short.. (and in full acknowledgment of how corny this line is..).. life is too short to not live it to its fullest.

cheer up emo kid :)

come home running

2007-12-07T11:44:00.000+11:00

...oh heart of mine, come back home
you've been too long out on your own
and He's been there all along
watching for you down the road

... so come home running
just as you are...

nostalgia

2007-10-16T13:20:00.000+10:00

i was browsing through the archives, just because i was feeling rather nostalgic and had nothing better to do. i wrote this a bit more than a year ago... but re-reading it just struck a chord in me..

---

"love is a curious thing. when you first realize that you have the capacity to love another person, you go headfirst, headlong into a crazy whirlwind. there's no time to think, no time to calculate... you fall with wild abandon, and you love with a passion so strong; a passion that makes you want to give everything for your love. there is an excitement that comes with exploration, and a realization of feelings so pure and complex that you stumble for words to describe how you feel. every fibre of your being is infused with raw emotions and you are invincible and vulnerable all at the same time...

... as time goes by... and as you give of yourself and your heart over and over again.. you start to withdraw. a casing starts to form around what is left of your heart, and you guard it fiercely, like a lioness would guard its cubs. you love with a caution. giving away bits of yourself, but never again with the entirety of your battered heart. wounds heal, but scars don't disappear. its such a cliche, but nothing is more true.

you long for a return to eden, but you have fallen.

perhaps thats why we eventually settle down, but never are at complete rest. our souls never stop searching desperately for their counterpoint in another. or perhaps that's why so many of us are never satisfied. maybe that's why we so desperately need something to believe; to cling on to. or maybe its just a human condition to be restless.

we all need love though. billions of humans can't be wrong.. "

we knew this would happen eventually...

2007-10-02T14:55:00.000+10:00

as God's sense of humor would have it,

i'm currently working at food for thought.

come by and visit me :)

2007-08-21T23:37:00.000+10:00

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that its all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I dont believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

-Everclear, "Wonderful"-

2007-08-20T11:41:00.000+10:00

i really should stop procrastinating...

food for thought

2007-08-17T14:28:00.000+10:00

last night, joanne, tian tian and i went down to bugis to visit the food for thought cafe. they describe themselves as a "quirky little indie diner where you can get great comfort food at a fair price, have fascinating conversations, find new friends and discover simple ways to give back to the local and global community."

3 girls who love God came together to do something fun, and give back to the community in the process. kudos to you gals! i was just telling joanne that it's something that i would LOVE to do... but never have the guts to do so. maybe when i retire... i could open a B&B and cook to my heart's content. :)

the cafe is opposite the national library on north bridge road. it's a tiny, cosy little place wedged between two retail shops... so unless you know it's there you might miss it as you walk past (or maybe i'm just blur.. haha). i thought it was blog-worthy, as i have to say that i love the philosophy behind the place. not to mention that the food is pretty decent, and it's a nice place to chill.. have a nice meal and catch up with old friends.

disneyed memories

2007-08-16T12:13:00.000+10:00

mia and i were lamenting the loss of good ol' Disney classics last night. they seem to capture a kind of magic that can't be found in the cartoons that they show nowadays. sure, cartoons now are funny and entertaining... and sometimes touching... but they just can't beat the beauty of the ballroom scene in beauty and the beast, or the carpet scene in aladdin. maybe its just personal preference... or maybe its just nostalgia kicking in, but i wouldn't want my kids to grow up watching anything else. haha.

let me know if it's not just me.... haha...

here's the opening scene from beauty and the beast. it's my favourite! i've always wanted to be like belle... hahaha. i even had the whole reading while walking thing down to pat. i still do it!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IltAsKmVroQ

oo... and i really like this scene too. it's in the garden when belle and the beast are feeding the birds... i can't help smiling while watching this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ysRm_C56UM&mode=related&search=

i'm home

2007-08-14T21:58:00.001+10:00

'so its been awhile,' she said as she slid her index finger along the dusty banister.

'missed me?'

her voice echoed in the empty hallway.

'i thought you would,' she whispered as she smiled silently.

'i missed you too.'

2007-05-20T02:43:00.000+10:00

deliver me

2007-05-15T23:51:00.000+10:00

deliver me out of the sadness
deliver me from all the madness
deliver me... courage to guide me
deliver me... Your strength inside me

deliver me

because i can't deliver myself

2007-05-15T23:49:00.000+10:00

a whole box of lemons and no juicer...

just my luck

melsan

2007-05-02T17:58:00.000+10:00

thanks to some people, i've started wasting time by taking personality tests. i remember taking this particular test awhile ago (a nagging feeling tells me that it was the same bunch of friends that got me to do it), and not much has changed surprisingly. i would have thought that maybe it would have altered here or there, but its pretty much the same.

i'm listed as a Melancholic Sanguine. which is kinda contradictory if you ask me. but oh well.

here are the stats:

Melancholic - 30%
Sanguine - 30%
Choleric - 23%
Phlegmatic - 18%

does anyone notice that the results don't add up to a hundred? or is my maths really that bad?

apparently i have more of the strengths of the melancholic and sanguine, and the weaknesses of a phlegmatic. don't really know what that means. haha.

----

i just had durian puffs made from D24 durians.

i love durian season :D

2007-05-01T16:36:00.000+10:00

sitting and watching you sleep after eating a box of reallygoodpohpiah that you bought for me on your way home from work makes me realize how blessed i am to have you. i probably don't say it enough, along with the other things that i need to do more often, but thank you for doing the things that you don't have to do and that i take for granted. i'll miss you muchly during the 6 months when you're gone.

----

i've been busy with avalanche productions of late, and i believe its going to singapore by storm. avalanche is a company that i'm working for, for those of you who i am guilty of not speaking to on msn (my apologies!). its exciting to be a part of something big, and when you finish a project... the sense of achievement is just AMAZING.

----

the pining for yesterdays slowly ebb
as today throws its tantrums
screaming like a spoilt child
what i'd give to live between the cracks
today|tomorrow
with earplugs
and a glass of lemonade

rats

2007-04-18T00:30:00.000+10:00

things are not going according to plan... which really isn't saying much because there wasn't really much of a plan to begin with. gah.

and DON'T ask me about the W word, because its frustrating and i have to tell the same story to everyone every single time. i feel like i need to hang a sign around my neck saying that i'm NOT a bum, and i am doing something worthwhile with my life. i just haven't started yet.

sigh. i hate delays.

oh, and my brother got a hamster today. her name is sakura. she's a little round ball of fur, very hyper and cute and has the largest black eyes. kinda reminds me of when i was in primary school and had 2 hamsters... which soon became 16 hamsters. i think we all know how that works. so now... in addition to the two turtles, raphael and donatello, the snakes and chameleons in the garden, the cats in the driveway and the birds in the roof... we now have a tiny ball of fur named sakura running on a plastic wheel inside a cage in the dining room.

family

2007-04-12T01:51:00.000+10:00

watching gilmore girls always leaves me with an overactive imagination and a feeling that i've just contracted some form of verbal diarrhea

that said, i love gilmore girls.

every family has its own kinks and eccentricities, some are harder to live with than others... but i guess thats what makes us all different. makes us who we are.

2007-04-10T02:32:00.000+10:00

although they are not directly co-related, there is much wisdom that comes with years. it would do this generation good to sometimes stop and listen to the gems of advice from those who have gone before us.

we young people have much to learn. God please humble our hearts and give us teachable spirits.

my new crush

2007-04-06T17:48:00.000+10:00

i brought calvin out for a walk today and discovered that he loves bikes...

... and scooters...

and he loves his stella artois.

2007-04-06T05:31:00.000+10:00

God has exciting things planned for carmel this year. i can feel it with every fibre of my being. but nothing will happen until we fall at His feet, and our hearts are above our heads.

O God let us be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face
O God of Jacob

thanks m. you really encouraged me today, whether you realized it or not. its great to know that God is stirring up the hearts of other people as well. let's do this for the future generations :)

debsheep!!

2007-04-04T20:58:00.000+10:00

it's been awhile...

reachout.buildup.SENDBACK.

2007-04-04T14:33:00.000+10:00

i realized something last night, as i was composing an email to my youth pastor. that of all the things that i want to do in yf... above all, i want them to know the freedom that comes from understanding who we are in Him, and the passion and inspiration that comes from seeking His face.

"Thy standing is not in thyself - it is in Christ; thine acceptance is not in thyself, but in thy Lord; thou art as much accepted of God today, with all thy sinfulness, as thou wilt be when thou standest before His throne, free from all corruption... perfection in Christ!"
(excerpt from C.H. Spurgeon)

If anything… I just want to see the youth inspired by God, and excited about the Bible. I want them to stop trying to DO so many things, and to sit down and seek Him. I want them to taste and see that the Lord is good. I want them to have a faith that is based on Him alone, not on the highs that they get at camps, the textbook answers they give during bible study or on the friendships that they have or the roles that they play in a particular ministry. It's something that has to start from the leadership downwards. I don't know how it's going to work… but I believe that God will put it into motion if we will only seek Him and pray that He will show us the way.

nigel and i were talking about this last night, and i thank God for putting us both online at that crazy hour (abt 3am in the morning?). the task seems daunting... and the obstacles loom like mountains... but one thing that makes me smile in the midst of it, is that God is continuing what He started in us when He brought us to australia and to OCF, and we have been sent back to make a difference in our churches and communities.

God is good.

makeover

2007-04-01T02:07:00.000+10:00

as you can see... NEW SKIN!

yes i was bored. and i figured that if i revamped my layout... i might feel more inspired to blog regularly. (we'll see how this theory plays out in the next few weeks). i've been having problems with the 'comments' section and i can't seem to get it to work properly... so i've left it out for the moment. its late and the html is giving me a headache. i might work a bit more on it tomorrow. something's still missing...

in the meantime... chew on this...

i'm going clubbing next week. but for WORK.

longing

2007-03-02T11:34:00.000+11:00

what i wouldn't do for a cold winter's day and a cup of hot cocoa...

golden leaves fall to the pavement
as the lovers and the lonely
stroll along the garden path

autumn is coming

but never seems to arrive

2007-02-28T23:10:00.001+11:00

damnit...

ain't no sunshine when he's gone

2007-02-24T09:19:00.000+11:00

happy birthday!! to someone really special :)

with everything that i am, i wish so much that i could be there to celebrate with you. but sometimes life gets in the way and there are things that we must do. i hope that you're not too disappointed that i couldn't make it back in time.. we'll do something nice when i get back.
i promise.

----

i've never really been one to celebrate birthdays though. well maybe i do enjoy surprising other people and doing stuff for their birthdays... but i never really saw the sense in celebrating my own. i guess i've always just seen it as another day in the year. i don't know why... and i know that its tradition or custom.. or what i have you... but i just feel that its well... such self-absorbed behavior. ok maybe people should be excused on their birthdays, because its their day, and all that sorta thing. perhaps i'm just being an old grouch.

actually, i think it might be about expectations. i don't celebrate because i don't want to expect too much... just in case i get disappointed. if you don't expect presents and a party... you can't be disappointed if you don't get them. sounds like a rather sad philosophy dunnit? self defensive? *shrug*

c'est la vie...

good times

2007-02-11T10:31:00.000+11:00

just managed to grab this photo off theo last night. didn't even remember taking it... hmm...

convy 2006 was really really amazing. wish i had brought a camera, but i guess there's no point crying over spilt milk. so if you have photos... send them to me!! it's also partly for the new version of the OCF orientation video :) its going to blow your socks off (i say this on behalf of mishy mishy *grin*)!

i really hope that i can fly back for convy this year.would be great to see people from the other centres and hear about what God has been doing in 2007. anyone willing to sponsor my air ticket? haha. well one can always hope right? :P

Lord of the music

2007-02-08T17:14:00.000+11:00

i was sure by now
that You would have reached down
and wiped the tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again
i say amen and its still raining...

and as the thunder roars
i barely hear You whisper through the rain
'I'm with you'...

and once again He speaks through song

so you think you're superman

2007-02-05T22:36:00.000+11:00

every so often we hear stories. stories of misfortune, of suffering and of pain. and then we cry, we sympathize and we attempt to comfort those poor unfortunate souls. we say a prayer, or maybe even a few. then we forget... even though they continue to plod onward in their battles.

Oh they'll be ok. God is with them.

and we think.. that will never happen to us. we are invincible.

truth is. we all have our kryptonite.

the journey

2007-02-04T22:06:00.000+11:00

turning her head at the sound of thunder in the distance, and dragging her tired feet across the endless dunes... she prays... prays to her god to see her pain and to come to her rescue.

i will praise You in the storm
i will lift my hands
You are who You are
no matter where i am

she knelt on the cracked earth and sobbed, her tears forming dark coffee splotches in the sand...

every tear i cry
You hold in Your hands
You never left my side

and she felt loving arms embrace her. but the hurt didn't stop. her throat still parched. her feet still bloody and scratched.

and though my heart is torn
i will praise you in the storm

sometimes it still rains when you say amen.

are you there?

2007-02-03T23:21:00.000+11:00

the lone streetlamp flickers spasmodically, like in that nursery rhyme we used to sing about the little star. but without the same innocence. it is bare and harsh, and illuminates in still images all the things we want to hide away. all the things we want to shove into a dark basement and forget.

but life doesn't let us forget does she? she's petty, and she knows when we've been bad or good... so be good for goodness sake

----

i don't want to be noble. or brave. or strong.

i just want to be a child again.

----

as the thunder roars
i barely hear you whisper through the rain
'i'm with you'...

desperation

2007-02-01T22:09:00.000+11:00

she's running down an alley. its long and winding, and she wonders when it will end. her feet are bare and bleeding. the floor is cold. and wet. water forming rivers between the cobblestones. she's been running for as long as she can remember, hence the bloody feet.

she wants to stop, but something keeps her going.

the voices in her head are getting worse, and she tries to focus on the pounding of her heart and her feet splashing in the puddles. it felt good. it was relief. if only for split seconds at a time. they'll find you. you have nowhere to go.

she wants to wake up. to find that it was all a long, bad, vivid dream...

2006-12-26T16:51:00.000+11:00

when all the razzle dazzle of Christmas has died down, and the streamers and confetti are swept away... the dust settles once more and life goes on in the same way it always has.

the nightmare after christmas has begun

you look at me and i turn away. some things, perhaps, are too good to be true - too perfect to stand the test of time. soap bubbles are pretty in the sunlight. before they float into nothingness.

as the raindrops roll down the window pane.. and the constant pitter patter of rain on tin roofs threaten to drive me crazy, i glance at the us in gilded frame and know that only time will tell.

only God knows if the colours will fade to grey.

section 1.2 of Murphy's Law

2006-11-17T11:37:00.000+11:00

sometimes you can do everything right, and things can still go wrong. which kind of bites... but that's the way life is. every day, you read the papers and see stories about kids getting knocked down by drunk drivers, or innocent pedestrians getting beaten up by young punks. you don't have to be out looking for trouble to get into it... in fact, a lot of the time, trouble comes to find you.

as joel was driving me home last night, we witnessed a rather serious car accident. no one got killed. thank God for that, but it was still quite bad. joel and i were right behind one of the cars that was involved in the accident, and it was like watching a scene out of an action flick. car just making an amber somehow collides with a driver running a red light. both were travelling at about 60km/h, and the car in front of us spun 180 degrees before coming to a stop facing us. the other car, slowed down by the impact, continued rolling before it hit the traffic light. driver was unconscious.

the car that just managed to make the amber (and in my opinion did so without a shadow of a doubt), had 3 high school boys who had just come from a party to celebrate the end of their VCEs. driver was alright, if not bit shaken. the other two had minor injuries - a VERY bloody nose, and bruises from the seatbelts (seatbelts save lives people! wear them!). i felt kind of sorry for them because their parents would probably freak out. but the thing is they had done nothing wrong.

joel and i went forward as witnesses, because well... apparently we were the only ones who saw exactly what happened. so i guess God had a plan in putting us in the car right behind theirs. there were other people around, but they only noticed when they heard/saw the impact. it was scary, but it was a good thing that there weren't any serious injuries (again... seat belts SAVE LIVES... wear them). after a while, we were trying to make light of the matter by joking about how it would make a great story for their kids in the future... etc etc. the boys were taking photos. i guess its not often that you experience a car accident and manage to get out of it relatively unscathed. their car was practically totalled at the front and a bit of the side. thank goodness the passenger was ok, apart from the bloody nose. the poor driver only had the car for a little over a year. ouch. that must REALLY hurt.

if there's anything that i would prefer NOT to ever experience in this lifetime, is a car accident on that magnitude. i might just disintegrate with the stress and trauma. ok fine, i probably wouldn't.. but i probably won't be able to handle it as well as the dude who drove that car. kudos to him. and praise God for protecting them. i just pray that the two people in the other car are alright.

never again

2006-11-14T10:21:00.000+11:00

never again can i say that i have never seen a miracle.

Father i thank You for Your love for me.

never again will i question Your ways.

Your ways are higher than mine.

never again will i ask 'why has thou forsaken me?'

for in my darkest hour, you carried me

... Every blessing You pour out, I'll turn back to praise.

2006-11-13T20:55:00.000+11:00

today, i am perhaps in the deepest pit that i have been in for awhile... and one of my own digging, with none to blame but my own foolishness and stupidity. but i believe that my God is merciful and that He is powerful, and that He will not withold that which is good from this daughter.

Father, i plead Your mercy and compassion, give me another chance. i need Your peace and Your strength now more than ever.

"All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith. How can any one who isidentified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt or fear! It ought tobe an absolute pæan of perfectly irrepressible, triumphant belief."

-My Utmost For His Highest

whoopdeedoo lalala...

2006-11-13T12:57:00.000+11:00

mint and chamomile tea. that's probably what has been sustaining me night after night for the past two weeks (other than several minor things like stress and panic :P). it really is a rather nice combination (thanks krys!). i love the smell of chamomile.. but the taste is rather insipid, so the mint gives it a bit of kick. beats uncontrolled snacking any day. ok.. unless it involves mini chocolate muffins or trampoline's pistachio gelati... :D

i have JUST finished my last essay. it was such bliss when i finally printed it out. i still have an exam tomorrow... but somehow i'm not too worried about that. i'm almost done with my bachelor degree!!! i need to jump and run around for a bit. it's just unbelievable.

praise GOD!! You've always been faithful, and i thank You because You alone are my strong tower.

bits and pieces

2006-11-13T00:05:00.000+11:00

feeling guilty yesterday afternoon... this girl ran 4 klick and did laps in the uni pool for an hour. after which.. she proceeded to sofias for dinner, where upon encountering free food (sponsered by a certain eddie cheong.. thankeweddie!), she walloped down more than she could chew.

there goes the exercise.. *BURP*

on the upside... wen got baptized today at citylife hobsons. congrats wen!! may you run the race with perseverence, and end just as well (or ever better!) as you started :)

working on my last essay. progress is slow but steady. God give me strength. two more days.. one more exam to study for. i can do all things through Christwhostrengthensme!!

16yr old boys and heineken should be kept as far away from each other as possible.
preferably at opposite ends of the solar system.

one down...

2006-11-08T12:35:00.000+11:00

two plus one exam to go...

one tub of pistachio gelati and 13 mini chocolate muffins later...

this girl desperately needs to exercise

----

i've got the wonderfulloveofmyblessedredeemer rightdowninthedepthsofmyheart
where?
downinthedepthsofmyheart!
where?
downinthedepthsofmyheart
i've got the wonderfulloveofmyblessedredeemer rightdowninthedepthsofmyheart
rightdowninthedepthsofmyheart to stay!
(sung to the tune of... 'i've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart...')

you know that you're procrastinating when...

2006-11-07T13:36:00.000+11:00

1. the dishes suddenly need washing. even though you normally leave them to accumulate in the sink till the end of the day

2. you start chatting with people you wouldn usually never say hi to, in fact, when you see them come online you'd usually change your status to 'away'

3. you suddenly feel an urge to start baking

4. you convince yourself that sitting down for more than 15 mins at a stretch is bad for your back

5. you eat. a lot.

6. you stare into space a lot and somehow brainwash yourself into thinking that you're deep in thought about your essay.... when you're actually thinking of bak chor mee and sambal stingray

7. you start planning for your holidays, because you can never be too prepared!

8. emails you normally delete seem particularly interesting
e.g. NUS Entrepreneurship Centre Outreach Announcement

9. ooo... shiny

10. you start writing a list of things that prove you're a great porcrastinator

11. did i miss anything...? ... ...

CAUTION: people who should be studying should not try this at home. if wrongly administered will cause serious damage to essays and exam results.

many thanksyous

2006-11-07T07:52:00.000+11:00

i am not being very productive. the past couple of days have been pretty bad. i'm constantly sleepy and unmotivated. i'm hoping that its just the weather... but i have a feeling that its something else. it can't be that time of the month again can it??

you know that you're procrastinating when you decide to bake chocolate muffins when you should be writing an essay. especially if its been awhile since you last baked...

thanks jy, dong and danson... for putting up with us and our noise. thank you mish and eddie for tolerating my frustration. i still have quite a bit more to go, but it helps when you have friends who'll stick by you on your crappy days.

today marks two years. two years my good friend. where did all that time go? thank you for understanding and always being there for me - to feed me when i'm down... and to feed me when i'm happy :) and of course all those words of encouragement, and your patience when i'm incoherent and leaking from my eye sockets. you truly are such a blessing, and i thank God for you each day.

i love you.

mmm... chicken..

2006-11-05T15:07:00.000+11:00

Trying to write an essay without a question is tough work. Sure, it gives more room for interest and creativity… but if you can’t get your parameters clear, it’s just plain frustrating (So says the one who plans to write a 15 000 word honors thesis next year). Life is just so full of painful ironies.

On a lighter note, i had emperor chicken for dinner yesterday. Courtesy of dong. It’s nice to have someone cook dinner for you once in awhile, although it does mean that you’re obliged to wash the dishes… but hey, nothing is free. except maybe the love of Christ :) and i did the rice! we totally cleaned the chicken to the bone. it was deLIcious! yuM!

I was reminded just a few days ago about how out of touch I am with hymns and all the old praise choruses. I opened an old songbook, and realized that I haven’t heard some of these songs in ages. A lot of them are old favourites, and it was like catching up with a long-lost friend. I just sat there for over an hour just flipping through and strumming on my brother’s guitar (which is in need of new strings). I’ve always loved the lyrics of these songs because of their depth of meaning and their comforting melodies – these are the songs of my youth. Haha. that just makes me sound old, but maybe I’m just an oldie at heart.

How can I say thanks
For the things you have done for me
Things so undeserved
Yet You gave to prove your love for me
The voices of a million angels
Could not express my gratitude
All that I am and ever hope to be
I owe it all to thee

To God be the glory, to God be the glory
To God be the glory,For the things
He has doneWith His blood
He has saved meWith
His power He has raised me
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done

coffee and alarm clocks

2006-11-03T10:05:00.000+11:00

it's a rather lazy day. i'm supposed to be going for a run in uni... but a certain someone who's supposed to come with me has KOed on my couch, and he looks too comfortable to wake up. we both had a late night... so i guess i can't really blame him.

five of us drove up to monash uni, clayton campus yesterday evening to help out at their inaugral coffee ministry session. it went pretty well i must say, praise God! it was a lot more well received than it was in melbourne uni when we first started, and i must say that they're really BLESSED. they actually managed to get sponsered coffee by a fair trade coffee company. the coffee was GOOD. none of that instant stuff. and they got loaned an urn from the uni itself. it's just amazing how God provides :)

in other news.. i got woken up at about 4am when my phone urgently beeped telling me that i'd gotten an sms from roger. very few people can wake me up at that time without making me just a tad irritated (especially since i went to sleep at about 3:30am). you should be glad that you're one of the few. haha. it's nice to know that you're remembered by friends overseas. even if it is at ungodly hours in the morning. time difference is 3 hrs dude! daylight savings has started!

daylight savings. i never really understood that when i first came. why bother with moving the clock back and forth by an hour?? how much time can you really save in the summeR? especially since the sun rises at 5 plus anyway... and sets at about 9. ah well... i guess setting at 9 is better than setting at 10.

ok. need to wake mr. lazybum up :D

LDR

2006-11-02T16:02:00.001+11:00

i always feel sad whenever close friends go through rough patches. especially if they're not near enough for me to give them a hug. because hugs can convey so much more than half an hour on the phone.. or extended msn conversations.

i used to be a compulsive hugger. not very hard to imagine when you consider the fact that i'm from an all-girls secondary/high school. you hugged everyone and anyone for everything and anything - people you loved, people you disliked... to cheer up, to backstab, or for no reason whatsoever. if you were wondering... i was mostly on the receiving end of the backstabbing. but let's not go there. i'm a happy little camper now :)

i used to have an entire philosophy about hugs. i only remember bits and pieces now though. of course... like every other teenager.. i thought that i was 'different' and that everyone else was silly and childish in one way or another. (yeah i know... i'm a self-proclaimed elitist... i don't intend to be, but somehow it comes across that way ) i liked giving people hugs because it (looked like it) made them smile. but then again.. you never know with these high school girls. they're pretty good at acting. i know i was.

i think i must come across pretty screwed up. haha.

i don't give away hugs as easily these days. perhaps i've come to think that giving them too often sort of dilutes the intensity of what they're meant to convey. or maybe it just starts to get a bit more inappropriate as you get older. i don't know.

what i do know.. is that i wish i could be there to give you a hug, share a six pack, talk about stuff and show you that things are going to be alright. and they will be.

know that you are in my prayers.

walking backwards

2006-11-01T14:16:00.000+11:00

coffee minstry last night was awesome. it's been awhile since i've helped out, and last night just reminded me what i love about it - the appreciative smiles, expressions of amazement, light chatter, enthusiastic thankyous, getting to know new people... and feeling the LOVE! haha. it's the one thing about the exam period that i probably look forward to. blessing people one cup, one smile and one life at a time *grin* God is cool.

been in a particularly nostalgic mood in the past few days. looking at old photos and reading old letters.. and striking up conversations with people that i haven't spoken to in awhile. it's a nice feeling to know that people remember you. haha. and that you're not just another random face from the past. i must admit that i'm terrible at keeping touch with people (probably has something to do with my discipline problem...), and i'll probably pay for it later in life when i realize that i have no more friends.... so i'm going to TRY working on it. forgive me if i lag on the emails - i'm trying :P

start well.... finish well

2006-10-31T16:57:00.000+11:00

i now realize what my problem is

discipline

i've lost most of it in the past 3 years. now i start things... with lots of drive and enthusiasm.. but i never finish well. makes a lot of sense with the death of my blog, my declining fitness level.. and the number of half-read books and half-filled notebooks in my study. it also makes me kind of worried about my last semester of uni. i've sort of lost the drive. it's a bit worrying.

kinda like how i started vacuuming my kitchen and living room this afternoon and got distracted by my laptop. my vacuum cleaner is still sitting in front of me next to the coffee table. maybe deciding to move out on my own wasn't such a good idea. haha. it's not good news for my cleanliness at any rate :P

argghhhh... lazzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

she'll be coming round the mountain...

2006-10-05T09:17:00.000+10:00

yes i know i know... i haven't updated in a long time... i should be ashamed of myself... my blog is rotting away and people are repulsed by the smell.

busy-ness is a peculiar thing. the more busy you allow yourself to think you are... the more busy you'll become. it's like some sort of huge time devouring monster that sort of feeds on itself.

ok i'm not making sense now am i?

as expected. i'm in the middle of writing an essay again. what better way to escape the pains of academia than to visit my abandoned blog. currently writing a philosophy paper on cognitive relativism. philosophers need to learn to be more succinct and need to use less bombastic language. its so frustrating to have to look up the dictionary every page or so. i used to think that i had a decent vocabularly... but now i'm not too sure. who in the WORLD invented the word 'bugaboo'?? why is it even allowed in academic writing? it sounds like something that i would say to a 6 month old baby. seriously. don't you think so? and in case you were wondering... it means ' An object of obsessive, usually exaggerated fear or anxiety'. go figure.

anyway... since i last wrote... i've skiied down mountain slopes... trekked across mountain ranges... eaten mountains of junk food and am facing mountains of papers and work. does anyone notice a kind of theme running through all of that?

i'm feeling homesick and i can't wait to go back at the end of this year. i've just had enough of mebourne for 2006. the food, the weather, the people... i miss hawker centres... hot and humid weather (and the antartic temperatures in shopping centres )... and the family and friends that i haven't seen in awhile.

2006-07-28T00:50:00.000+10:00

i would take no for an answer
just to know i heard you speak
and i'm wondering why i never see
the signs they claim they see
a lot of special revelations
meant for everybody but me
maybe i don't truly know you?
maybe i just simply believe..

i can sniff, i can see
and i can count up pretty high
but these faculties aren't getting me any closer to the sky
but my heart of faith keeps pounding
so i know i'm doing fine
but sometimes finding you
is just like trying to
smell the colour nine...

2006-07-20T10:49:00.000+10:00

"beauty often seduces us on the road to truth..."

you live, you learn

2006-07-19T18:02:00.000+10:00

love is a curious thing. when you first realize that you have the capacity to love another person, you go headfirst, headlong into a crazy whirlwind. there's no time to think, no time to calculate... you fall with wild abandon, and you love with a passion so strong; a passion that makes you want to give everything for your love. there is an excitement that comes with exploration, and a realization of feelings so pure and complex that you stumble for words to describe how you feel. every fibre of your being is infused with raw emotions and you are invincible and vulnerable all at the same time...

... as time goes by... and as you give of yourself and your heart over and over again.. you start to withdraw. a casing starts to form around what is left of your heart, and you guard it fiercely, like a lioness would guard its cubs. you love with a caution. giving away bits of yourself, but never again with the entirety of your battered heart. wounds heal, but scars don't disappear. its such a cliche, but nothing is more true.

you long for a return to eden, but you have fallen.

perhaps thats why we eventually settle down, but never are at complete rest. our souls never stop searching desperately for their counterpoint in another. or perhaps that's why so many of us are never satisfied. maybe that's why we so desperately need something to believe; to cling on to. or maybe its just a human condition to be restless.

we all need love though. billions of humans can't be wrong..

why doesn't anyone pick the nice guy?

2006-06-21T15:57:00.000+10:00

i would SO love a belgian waffle with dark melted chocolate right now... complete with a nice hot cuppa. i miss chocolate so much it's not funny.

once again, playing the social recluse. hiding in my bunker made of books, readers and an assortment of papers... i feel like such a NERD! i cannot wait to run off to sydney next week. food, beaches, funky people and relaxxxaaaaaaatiionnnnnn.... with the slight possibility of adventure, depending on my mood ;)

went for a run yesterday, and i am ohsoaching from not exercising for the past month or so. either that or i'm just getting old..

speaking of old, i met up with an old friend for dinner the other day. haven't seen him around for awhile, and he was in melbourne on business. it was fun to just hang out and catch up, talk about life, love and everything in between. he really is a funny guy, and i had a great time. although we did have a little problem with my restaurant choices... they were all closed, for some crazy reason. but anyway, we ended up on lygon street at one of the small italian restuarants, which was nice. it was the company that mattered the most anyhow :)

this guy is funny, generous, witty, Christian, above average in the looks department, sensitive, great with kids and teenagers, dances the salsa and is still single!! what is WRONG with this picture? if i were single (and maybe a bit older), i'd be swooning! so why does he not have a long line of women at his doorstep? does it have anything to do with singaporean women wanting to focus on their careers, or wanting to settle down later....? what is it? i'm stumped and perplexed.

oh and if you're reading this (you know who you are ;P) your identity is safe with me. haha.

thing is, he's not the only guy i know who has so many things going for him, and yet still can't find a girl. off the top of my head, i could probably name at least 5. so what is it? does the nice guy really always finish last?

i don't know man. i'm just glad that i've got me one. haha. ;)

who moved my grapefruit?

2006-06-17T14:59:00.001+10:00

more than a week has passed. i guess it's about time that i updated ;)

i've just realized that i've been blogging for about 7 years. man... i feel kinda old. that's a third of my lifetime. i know i've said it many times, but it really is amazing how time flies. no matter how slow time seems to be crawling at the current moment (exams and assignments people...!!!), all you have to do is look back to realize that it's all the illusion of an extremelystressedout mind.

gone are the times when blogging was (for me) an outlet for the day's frustrations and an empty (pixel) canvas for experimenting in web design and angsty poetry. i used to get a real kick out of going back to my old blogs to take a trip down memory lane. i still have all my own site designs somewhere in my hard-disk on my old laptop. maybe its a good thing that diary-x crashed. haha. i don't ever have to look at all that (bad) angsty poetry ever again.

perhaps its an innately human desire to want to believe that we're progressing somehow. maybe its a coming of age thing. every time we come to an epiphany, about issues, circumstances, situations etc., we seem to imagine that we're somewhat better off than we were yesterday.

what IS 'progress' anyway? is it possible to progress in one arena without sacrificing or giving up something else? are we REALLY better off with all our fancy technology and myriad of social and cultural constructions? is the capitalist economy really 'better' than an agrarian one? what in the WORLD are we trying to prove and who are we trying to prove it to? ourselves? kinda ridiculous if you think about it.

this existential angst is really getting me pumped up.

humans are funny creatures. always striving, always wanting more. we cheat, we lie, we backstab and blackmail... and then we justify ourselves, for this and that reason. even if its the belief in one's inherent superiority (think hitler)... it's still some sort of justification. why do we need reasons? and why do we have to try and understand everything?

i don't understand why we have to try and understand everything. go figure.

looks like i've progressed from high school angst to.. well.. i don't know really.

i'm hungry. gonna go snack a bit in front of the tv... bought these gorgeous grapefruits from the market yesterday. mmm... grapefruits...

essays essays everywhere

2006-06-08T11:44:00.000+10:00

my apartment is clean!!! for now anyway...

i realize that my posts describe either how bored i am from essay-writing, my ecstatic post-cleaning madness or what is currently my favourite food or beverage. i am so predictable.

sigh.

well this boring individual has been cooped up at home for the past two weeks slaving away at essays, essays and more essays. it's like they never stop coming. if God is a god of 'more than enough'... then i've had more than enough!!! *heavy breathing*

had a little escapade to the hospital last week. it would've been more fun if i could breathe properly though. asthma is no fun. take my word for it, all you lucky people with healthy-lung genes. asthma is the suck. haven't had an attack in awhile... 3 years to be exact. so this sort of brought back memories. yes its weird. i sound like i MISS getting attacks or something... anyway, my mom thinks its my fault. she says that asthma is stress and lack-of-sleep enduced.

well.... it IS major assignment period.... maybe THAT has something to do with it... i don't know, just maybe...

i think that it's amazing how parents always seem to be able to make things your fault. like when you're young and you don't want to finish your food. your mom will start talking about how little children are starving in Africa because children like you are wasting food. i mean... at that point you just grudgingly finish your food (or slowly slip it to the dog under the table..), but when you look back... you kinda go.. "hey wait a second... did my mom really make me feel like i caused the ENTIRE starvation problem in africa??"... talk about teaching your kids about cause and effect... no wonder i had problems with chemistry in secondary school... i had issues...

2006-06-01T15:47:00.000+10:00

and thus starts the month of june.

i have just been told than my love for apple whiskey and taro buns does not transcend my need to update my blog. so here i am once again. procrastinating and trying not to remember that i have 1849 words to go on my final critical theories essay.

i have also discovered jarrah chai latte, which i will shamelessly promote. it is GOOD. gives off the most gorgeous aroma, and is not as sinful as it tastes. 99% fat free! and only 63 calories per serve (is that a lot? hurhur).

what does it feel like to be 21?

to be frank it really doesn't feel like anything. its probably a bigger thing for everone else than it is for me. *shrug* then again, i guess i was never one for celebrating birthdays. i know what you're thinking... deprived kid

Lord You are good and Your mercies endureth forever... :)

still alive

2006-04-26T18:30:00.001+10:00

i think i like taro buns. and apple whiskey. and running out to the balcony to catch the sunset over the melbourne horizon. having 3 half-priced tickets for tripod in my wallet. ooo... and blueberry and chocolate muffins and good coffee... and good company. and sillypeople singing silly songs in the background while i'm blogging.

an overthinker on a break :)

daniel dennet is an interesting read. ask me about him.

two words... ... WE ROCK!

2006-04-18T21:26:00.000+10:00

2006-04-14T08:29:00.000+10:00

this girl is off to easter camp

may everyone have one of those glass-half-full days.

i'm still waiting for the lemonade to be poured.

sing a song

2006-04-12T09:32:00.000+10:00

yes i know i should be doing my essay. i'm taking a break *cough cough*. got this off eddie's blog . thought it was absolutely hilarious. so i thought i'd give it a go myself.

instructions: put an mp3 player of choice on shuffle and answer these questions with song titles.

how does the world think of me?
Grow old with you - Adam Sandler
(i'm trying to figure out this means... does everyone think i'm a hopeless romantic??)

will i have a happy life?
In Christ alone
(amen!)

what do my friends really think of me?
How great thou art
(hahaha... naw... really?)

do people secretly lust after me?
O Holy Night
(erm... ??)

How can i make myself happy?
Think of me - Andrew Lloyd Webber
(aww... :D)

what should i do with my life?
Everybody’s free (to wear sunscreen) - Baz Luhrman
( become a sunscreen marketing agent??)

will i ever have children?
Evermore - Hillsong
(this is a bit disturbing... i know God told us to populate the earth... but....)

what is some good advice for me?
When I’m sixty-four - the Beatles
(ok... thanks guys...)

how will i be remembered?
Holiday in spain - Counting Crows
(yikes. what did i do in spain??)

what is my signature dancing song?
Prelude - Chris Rice
(erm... is my dancing THAT bad?)

What do i think my current theme song is?
How Can you mend a broken heart - Michael Buble
(*sniff* ... )

what do other people think my theme song is?
You are my world - Hillsong
(well... i guess i'm doing something right :P)

what song will play at my funeral?
The power of a moment - Chris Rice
(that's pretty apt. something to think about)

what type of men do i like?
King of Glory
(i know that i'm supposed to like godly men... but...)

what is my day going to be like?
Smellin coffee - Chris Rice
(why does that sounds like a bad day?)

-----

Conclusion? i need to start listening to a larger variety of songs. every other song is a Praise&Worship song or CCM. sigh. i'm so predictable.

you and me and everybody else

2006-04-11T15:13:00.000+10:00

maybe because i'm bored. probably because i'm distracted. and definitely because i'm supposed to be doing something else... i've gone and written an article on elitism and bigotry in singapore. it was pretty much prompted by http://studentnotebook.blogspot.com . yes.. i'm supposed to be doing my essay on postmodernism.. but how can one give up such an interesting topic? especially since my last two critical theory tuts were discussions on Habermas and Adorno.... :D

----

very marxist... i know, but i honestly do believe that it [bigotry and elitism in Singapore] all boils down to class differences and our inability to see beyond the boxed worlds that we were brought up in.

it is not so much the schools that we're talking about. i think the major issue is what these schools stand for - what they represent.

i.e. elite schools for the middle to upper income brackets and the neighbourhood schools for everyone else.

(note: i do acknowledge that within every elite school there are bound to be exceptions, and vice versa. my brother goes to a neighbourhood school, and i was from an elite secondary school and jc. so that's a bit of where i'm coming from as well.

what i speak of - for the sake of discourse - are generalizations, as the inclusion of specifics would make discussion almost impossible.)

a lot of the bigotry and elitism that we see in our society has its roots in the way our education system is designed. i don't know if it was meant to be that way, but that's how it seems to me.

the first thing that i will say, is that it is easier for a middle to upper class student to get into and remain in an elite school from primary all the way till university. mainly because of the fact that with money comes opportunities. as much as i hate to say it.

now i imagine that meritocracy and fairness and we-all-have-equal-opportunities-because-its-a-free-country kind of objections will be flying through some peoples' heads now. so let me just try to clarify what i just said with an illustration.

imagine two students, A and B, equal in intellect, enter an elite primary school at primary one. A gets in by affiliation (parents or siblings or other strings) and B gets in through balloting.

they go through primary school. A gets extra tuition outside school, takes part in activities that stimulate the intellect (e.g. drama, music, what have you). B doesn't have all that extra stuff, through no fault of his own. just that his parents do not have the financial means to give him all that stuff.

due to class size, and the inability of the teacher to cater to all students. A starts to do better than B academically. not because he's smarter, but because he gets extra help outside school.

PSLE. A does extremely well because of the rigorous tution and the drilling from his tuition teachers with countless assessment books. he is streamed into the special stream.
B on the other hand, didn't do as well and is streamed into the express stream.

A makes it into an elite secondary school, while B doesn't.

this is a purely hypothetical example to illustrate a point, so please do not argue by saying that not everyone is like that.

GENERALLY, people in higher income brackets are presented with more opportunities. as such, by secondary school, the majority of students in elite schools are from the middle to upper classes.

where is all this going to?

it is in our adolescent years (teens to early twenties) that we form our identities, and perhaps the firmest friends. it is also during these years that our worldviews are shaped the most.

now due to the fact that by secondary school, a lot (not all) of us are fit into schools which have cultures that revolve very much around our income brackets (are my fellow AC students going to deny that their frequent visits to holland village, as compared to the neighbourhood Macs, are not bourgeois?), it is inevitable that we will form stereotypes of the Other. the Other being those from neighbourhood schools. a lot of our identity is based on what we are NOT, and it is there that we draw the boundary.

therefore and thus, we start to believe that the Other is so different, and incompatible to the world that we know. and this works both ways. and more often than not, due to purely human nature and our subconscious (and sometimes conscious) workings, these distinctions take on an i'm-better-than-you stance. e.g. students from elite schools are snobbish. OR students from neighbourhood schools are not as smart.

As such, elitism and bigotry in our wonderful Singaporean society is largely a result of the stereotypes and mindsets that we pick up in school. Re-inforced by friends, and sometimes even by parents.

How we can get out of these mindsets and start treating each other with respect?

Firstly by acknowledging that they exist in the first place. Then by making a conscious effort to mix around with people from other backgrounds, trying to shove those stereotypes into a little box in the back of your brain. Recognize that everyone has had different opportunities and choices to make. Basically, don’t judge a book by its cover (or a student from his school… for that matter).

I don’t profess to have easy answers, and I know that its very easy to point out a problem. It’s the answers that screw with your brain.

i know nothing

2006-04-05T15:04:00.000+10:00

i think i've come to a point in my uni life where i'm starting to feel really dense. it's been quite some time since i last felt like that. it's not a very nice feeling. especially during class discussions, when you're talking about Derrida and Foucault and Adorno and theories of history and Habermas and lifeworld and Marxism. it's fun. it's intellectually stimulating. but painfully demanding readings-wise. i'm starting to wonder if it has something to do with the way i was brought up to think and study. what am i saying? of course it does. sheesh.

sandcastle romeo

2006-04-01T23:52:00.000+11:00

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be romanced. it's something that i can't say that i've experienced before... and well... like any girl, i guess i'm curious. too many movies perhaps? a lot of my guy friends tell me what they want/plan to do for the girls that they like.. and its so amusing and adorable because they're so into it and excited and sweet. and i'm happy for them. they seem to get an adrenaline rush from it (half of which probably comes from the nervousness), and they tell me its the thrill of the chase.

the thrill of the chase indeed. makes us females sound like antelopes or something.

it's not that i'm unhappy at the way things have turned out for me. i am and i love you. but well.. sometimes i just can't help but wonder about my mother's words and all the whatifs.

especially the whatifs.

i always cry when i watch romantic comedies. ok i can cry watching cartoons.. but that really isn't the point. it's kind of a wistful iwishthatcouldhappentome sort of feeling that makes me tingly and happy and sad all at the same time. but then again, movies are movies, and they are feel-good movies.. so perhaps i'm just a victim of hollywood fairytale stories.

...all i wanna do is grow old with you...

2006-04-01T18:10:00.000+11:00

(Gen 1:31a) And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good...

...something right went very wrong
but love has been here all along...

2006-03-31T10:41:00.000+11:00

she looked in his sunken eyes and saw the remnants of yesterday - the stale crumbs on strewn newspapers which look like they were placed in some sort of random pattern, attracting bedraggled seagulls - rats on wings - and stray mangy cats, claws clicking on the now cracked concrete. its fissures branched out into rivers and tributaries across the floor, stopping only to form large lakes filled with suspiciously pungent rainwater dripping from where the roof had given way.

he pleaded at her with those onceblue, onceradient pools; hands outstretched in a silent tableau of desperation.

what could she do?

she turned away. and it faded into yesterday.

2006-03-28T13:28:00.000+11:00

sleepyhead sun; sleepyhead me

2006-03-27T14:03:00.000+11:00

...you are the gift; you are the proof
the Lord looks down and warms my roof
you are the light; you are the sign
that i am loved and life is mine...

seeing the sun rise over the horizon always fills me with a warm fuzzy feeling, and its not the feeling of me roasting under my uber-thick doona (although i must say that it does add to the sensation..).

it really is a comfort to know that His mercies are new every morning. i don't know how we could live from day to day otherwise.

thank you God for Your love, the sun, and every new day.

random musings from tonight's insomniac

2006-03-27T02:47:00.000+11:00

trying to find something positive to write on a sleepness night

you know how it is. a thousand thoughts rushing through your brain, and it refuses to take a break. rather frustrating i must say.

...

i think its time to try and get some shut eye.

it's a long day ahead.

'hmmm..' moments

2006-03-24T08:52:00.000+11:00

"blogs are like online mortuaries...
you never know when you might be reading a dead person's blog"
- wynn

little accidents

2006-03-23T12:02:00.000+11:00

this may seem a little odd. coming from me especially, but i think i'm actually starting to enjoy housework.

maybe its because its early in the semester, and i'm still euphoric about having my own place. but i do like the order that it brings to the crazy mess that sometimes accumulates during the week.

heh. maybe cleanliness really is next to godliness.

in other news. i managed to burn myself on my sandwich maker, while making a sandwich (to state the obvious). there is now a swollen bump of red sensitive flesh on my right wrist. it's kind of sting-y. but i think it'll be fine after awhile.

i'm always doing stuff like that to myself. i've got so many bumps and bruises on myself that i've recently started to name them.

note to self: try to be less clumsy.

2006-03-23T00:17:00.000+11:00

it was love that set this fragile planet rolling
tilted at our perfect twenty three

...chasing the clouds away

2006-03-22T12:24:00.000+11:00

i've always wondered what a sunny day would taste like. we all know how it feels, smells, looks and sounds like, but i've never known anyone to describe one in terms of taste. i guess most normal people wouldn't go around with their tongues hanging out trying to taste the summer breeze or afternoon sun..

i imagine that it would be sweet. not overly saccharine-sweet, but a kind of multi-textured sweetness. like cold grapes or nectarines - dripping with juicy goodness when you bite into it. i love cold grapes on a hot summer day. doesn't everyone?

maybe it's just a game of association. but i think its intruiging nonetheless :)

life gave me lemonade

2006-03-21T19:24:00.000+11:00

so a new chapter of my life has begun.

why lemonade? because its sweet stuff that's squeezed from a fruit that makes a lot of us wrinkle our noses, and scrunch our faces in extreme-sour-agony.

someone once told me that it's lemons that make sugar sweet.

lemonade days is about those bittersweet moments that we all experience. it's also about mixing a bit of sugar in with freshly squeezed lemon juice.. to give us all that profoundly unique taste that keeps us wanting more :)

life gave me lemonade and i can't imagine why
born on a sunny day beneath a tangerine sky
live life without pretending
i'm a sucker for happy endings
thanks for the lemonade

- "Lemonade", Chris Rice